It's tough.
You want people to understand what you're all about, but you also want to maintain the illusion that you're an interesting person. "Hi, I'm Judes. I'm a proud father, a borderline alcoholic and a chronic masturbator" doesn't seem to do that so well.
I regularly see people falling into the trap of introducing themselves with their jobs. You know... You're at a party and some guy comes up to you. "Hi! Chad, lawyer" or " Hey chief, I'm Bill. I'm a urologist. "Hey Bill. Judes... and unless you're a hooker or a cop, I don't really give a shit what you do at this point in our relationship!" comes off a bit harsh. But never forget: what you DO is not who you ARE.
I've been working on this recently, and here's what I have so far:
"Hi there. I'm Judes. I'm that guy that you work with who bitches about you when he gets home then plans increasingly intricate ways to kill you as part of his ingenious plan to take capitalism (and the Audi-driving sociopaths who grease its wheels) down to his level so that we can live in a world that is based on love, enlightenment and respect."
Feel free to use this if you want, but be forewarned: You have to come to our meetings on Tuesday nights if you do.
No. I don't really hate my job. I fear it.
I'm afraid of a lot of things... like clowns. Legitimate things too though! Like my kids not having a planet to grow up on... or getting stuck between a bear and her cubs on a hike... rodents... but yeah. Clowns, mostly.
Fear of your job brings it up a notch, though.
I spend most of my days hoping that nobody will notice that I'm doing the strict minimum. I'm scared that my barely-concealed contempt for the people I work with and for isn't as "barely-concealed" as I think. I'm afraid that the 3 or 4 times I go masturbate during the day (to cope) are being videotaped and will be held against me when I'm up for a promotion. I'm terrified that someone is dumb enough to think that I deserve a promotion.
So I have a plan. A light at the end of the corporate tunnel, if you will.
DMZs - Designated Masturbation Zones.
We may have to change the name in some places... like Korea. Can you imagine?
"Captain! What is Kim Sang-Kyu doing in the middle of the most fortified region on earth?"
"He seems to be pulling "Kimchi" from his "Samsung", sir.
(That last line is from my new International Dictionary of Masturbatory Euphemisms. Coming soon to a book store near you.)
Anyway, DMZs... Just imagine! It will make capitalism better, and more importantly - it will be great for ME!
Your boss calls you: "Johnson, I see that your productivity has increased 756%! That's..."
"Sorry, but we can make this quick? I've got a bunch of files to sort if I want to hit the DMZ again before lunch."
And how can you have coworker contempt if you're masturbating all day? "Listen Mark, I can't wait to hear all about the variable interest rate you got on your mortgage, but if you've got about 7 minutes, we can talk about it in the DMZ."
The best part is the videotapes. I have a dream, my friends
I see an overpaid, underworked Inhuman Resources monkey hunched over her desk. She's eating a 3-day old tuna sandwich and watching a Greatest Hits compilation of my DMZ visits. I'm throwing coconuts from the palm tree of love (see dictionary for more details). She's hypnotized.
The Audi-driving CEOciopath who we rent our lives out to walks by. He stops, looks at the screen as his soul-less eyes focus.
"MY GOD! Who is that?"
"That's Dickey. Down in the basement."
"That kid's got moxy! Spunk! I want him in my office in five minutes!"
The Inhuman Resources monkey picks up the phone. She dials my extension, eyes still glued to the screen.
POW!
My plan is put into action. We take down the company from within. We liberate society to become the sexual utopia of expanded consciousness it longs to be AND...
I've got myself an introduction I can finally feel comfortable with...
"Judes Dickey, Masturbation and Development coordinator. Nice to meet you! Shall we step into my office?"
1 comments:
Great piece, Judes! It's fine to introduce yourself as a chronic masturbator, but you should probably do so after the handshake. :)
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