My favourite Jimmy McMillan AutoTune

On my way to work this morning, I walked passed a hairdresser that was playing a Cher concert DVD.

This struck me as odd for two reasons: 1) The salon was closed because it was 7am but there was Cher, in all her her High definition, plastic, sequined glory singing as the sun rose in a reflection on the mirror beside her and 2)why would a hairdressser have a Cher DVD anyway?

The only thought that entered my non-caffeinated head in any clear fashion was that we can almost definitely thank Sonny's former flame for AutoTuned pop. Remember? A travesty, right?

Well,



So I'm changing my... tune. Thank you Cher. Really. Thank you.

My favourite man called Bob

Limbless Frenchman bids to swim Channel

Cornholers

What do you do when people start waking up to the fact that your crappy, potentially dangerous product is to be avoided?

You do this.

You go, Corn Refiners Association. You GO!

My favourite news story of the last couple of years?

Why, the shocker, of course!

News of the world

VIOLENT CFL PLAYER NEARLY STABBED OUTSIDE KORANS
(Montreal) Montreal Alouettes quarterback Charles Levy was admitted to the Montreal Jewish Hospital early this morning after a violent attack outside a popular Islamic bar.
Levy, who was recently released from anger-management rehab after an incident in which he kicked a 5 year-old fan in the head, was suffering from lacerations, a mild concussion and deep-seeded animosity related to his lack of parental attention.
"I thought those fucking towelheads weren't allowed to drink!", said a woozy Levy through clenched teeth as a vein throbbed on his left temple. "I went in there thinking I could kick some ass and pick up some hot Jihad ass and the next thing I know I'm surrounded by six guys with a broken Jagermesiter bottle who are screaming some guttural shit at me. Next time, I'm gonna get biblical on their ass", he added as his agent quickly ushered him into a black SUV.
Ahmad Nehimi, a patron at Korans offered the following account:
"I'm not sure what this man is talking about. All of the people in the bar were sitting quietly, smoking the shisha when this giant red and blue flash streaked across the bar screaming at everyone about his golden arm and the will of God. We were all astounded when he picked up a knife and began to cut himself while singing Alphaville's "Forever Young" with tears in his eyes. It was very bizarre, but I can ssure you that nobody even spoke to the man".

A press conference is expected at Molson Stadium this afternoon. Sources say that Levy is expected to return to rehab to amuse others as he continues his descent into drug-addled psychotic paranoia.


JOHN LENNON'S KILLER MEETS WITH PAKISTANI FLOOD VICTIMS
(New York) Mark David Chapman, clearly trying to impress a Sgt. Pepper-themed Parole Board, made a final plea for his release by inviting recently displaced victims of the floods in Pakistan to hear his side of the story.
Chapman, dressed in jeans and an "Imagine" t-shirt, spoke with the group of hungry, confused villagers for several hours as a stunned gallery observed the proceedings. He spoke of the regret he felt, the error of his ways and of the effects of Global Warming as the bewildered homeless people stared at the walls and floors, wondering why they had been brought to a prison when all they really wanted was some food and water. Especially water.
"If only I hadn't done what I did", said Chapman with tears in his eyes,"You people. You noble brown people, might  have a home that hasn't been submerged in a violent watery onslaught". "I now see that Lennon wasn't a sell-out, and a liar, and a fraud and, and...", he added before shaking violently and falling to the floor, screaming in what seemed to be a pain that elicited no sympathy from the mute Pakistanis who want nothing more than a roof over the head and clear, clean water.
As Chapman was escorted to his cell screaming "Julia! Julia!", a parole board member dressed as Paul McCartney was seen smiling at Yoko Ono, who very promptly readjusted her black pantsuit and oversized sunglasses before floating out of the prison.
The bewildered flood victims were then escorted by actor Jodie Foster to another wing to meet with John Hinckley Jr.

Maybe someone can give her a real gun next time? Just to see what happens...

NORTH EAST, Pa. – Police said an Erie-area woman somehow managed to zap both herself and her brother with a stun gun during a drunken dispute. Darlene Newara, 45, will have a hearing Oct. 18 on charges including driving under the influence, disorderly conduct for fighting, and public drunkenness in the Aug. 8 incident.

State police said they responded to a disturbance outside an Erie-area store about 6 p.m. to find that Newara had been arguing with her brother and stunned him with the device, then accidentally shocked herself with it.

Police said she was intoxicated and had several unopened bottles of liquor in the vehicle with her three sons, who were not hurt.

The Associated Press could not immediately locate a listed phone for Newara.

Information from: Erie Times-News, http://www.goerie.com

Computers, taxis? Same thing...

You have to give this guy credit. He knows how to roll with the punches. I wish he was Irish though, he probably would have talked shit for an hour...

Yahoo news mashup

I have been told by the powers that be that I have to take lunch breaks at work. Apparently, I cannot "concentrate" as well in the afternoon if I don't leave my office to listen to the inane chatter in the cafeteria (I'm sorry, I don't care about your ex-husband the asshole or how wonderful Celine Dion's hair looks) or to see the strung out rent boys and squeegee punks down the street. The fact that I have to watch 6 episodes of I Dream of Jinny in a row has nothing to do with my mid-afternoon intellectual meltdown, as far as they're concerned.
I have therefore decided to amuse myself. Here's what we do. Go to Yahoo and take one or two words from each news headline to make up new and improved stories.

So... Today's Yahoo headlines:

Man arrested as Hurricane Earl pelts Guns N' Roses Psychiatrist.
Hair Police yukking it up with adult-film star.
Grieving man drives wrong way on highway over dead cat.

Actually, that last one was the actual headline. I thought it was perfect just the way it was.

Stay golden, pony children.