My favourite imaginary response to people who write letters to complain about what they are watching on TV

Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you for your comments regarding our telecast of the film The Departed last Saturday. Without attentive viewers like you, we could certainly not achieve the excellence in broadcasting that entertains the dribbling masses who can barely get out of their sofas to go to the bathroom.

Regarding your comments, we were extremely disheartened to learn that the employee who screened this film edited out several key scenes which, as you so eloquently put it, "ruined the ending of the film". We would like to inform you that he has been severely reprimanded for having cut out the 10 seconds in which Matt Damon's  character walked up a flight of stairs before knocking on a door. After having watched said scene, we completely agree that the loss of such an emotionally-charged moment so early  in the film altered the narrative in such a way as to render it completely unintelligible and made the rest of the movie pretty much unwatchable. As this was the longest sequence cut from the film, we hope that the other "scenes" which were edited (including 2 seconds of black and 8 frames which concluded an audio fade) were less jarring to your extremely delicate sensibilities.

You are evidently an intelligent person with a lot of time your hands and we find it of the upmost importance to compensate such dedicated viewers, so we would like to offer you the following:

- Perhaps you should stop watching so much television. This would undoubtedly reduce the stress in your life and could lead to more productive pursuits, like playing Scrabble or even reading a book. You do know what a book is, don't you?
- Get laid. Someone as charming and pleasant as yourself should have no difficulty finding a potential mate that would love to be criticised for their performance in bed. It would give you a chance to complain about foreplay (or the lack thereof), the scenes in your demented role-playing fantasy that you missed because you were unconscious with a plastic bag over your sweat-stained face or the safe word that you feel must be changed every ten minutes.
-Use you computer to do something other than writing complaints to faceless corporations. There is now a vast array of websites with cute kitty pictures that you would most certainly enjoy. If that doesn't quite do it for you, we would like to direct your attention to 2 girls, one cup. Something tells us it would be right up your alley.

Once again, thank you for your time, your comments and your continued dedication. You are shining beacon of hope for the white trash that poisons our society with useless bellyaching about trivial matters that you clearly cannot understand.

Sincerely,
j