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VIOLENT CFL PLAYER NEARLY STABBED OUTSIDE KORANS
(Montreal) Montreal Alouettes quarterback Charles Levy was admitted to the Montreal Jewish Hospital early this morning after a violent attack outside a popular Islamic bar.
Levy, who was recently released from anger-management rehab after an incident in which he kicked a 5 year-old fan in the head, was suffering from lacerations, a mild concussion and deep-seeded animosity related to his lack of parental attention.
"I thought those fucking towelheads weren't allowed to drink!", said a woozy Levy through clenched teeth as a vein throbbed on his left temple. "I went in there thinking I could kick some ass and pick up some hot Jihad ass and the next thing I know I'm surrounded by six guys with a broken Jagermesiter bottle who are screaming some guttural shit at me. Next time, I'm gonna get biblical on their ass", he added as his agent quickly ushered him into a black SUV.
Ahmad Nehimi, a patron at Korans offered the following account:
"I'm not sure what this man is talking about. All of the people in the bar were sitting quietly, smoking the shisha when this giant red and blue flash streaked across the bar screaming at everyone about his golden arm and the will of God. We were all astounded when he picked up a knife and began to cut himself while singing Alphaville's "Forever Young" with tears in his eyes. It was very bizarre, but I can ssure you that nobody even spoke to the man".

A press conference is expected at Molson Stadium this afternoon. Sources say that Levy is expected to return to rehab to amuse others as he continues his descent into drug-addled psychotic paranoia.


JOHN LENNON'S KILLER MEETS WITH PAKISTANI FLOOD VICTIMS
(New York) Mark David Chapman, clearly trying to impress a Sgt. Pepper-themed Parole Board, made a final plea for his release by inviting recently displaced victims of the floods in Pakistan to hear his side of the story.
Chapman, dressed in jeans and an "Imagine" t-shirt, spoke with the group of hungry, confused villagers for several hours as a stunned gallery observed the proceedings. He spoke of the regret he felt, the error of his ways and of the effects of Global Warming as the bewildered homeless people stared at the walls and floors, wondering why they had been brought to a prison when all they really wanted was some food and water. Especially water.
"If only I hadn't done what I did", said Chapman with tears in his eyes,"You people. You noble brown people, might  have a home that hasn't been submerged in a violent watery onslaught". "I now see that Lennon wasn't a sell-out, and a liar, and a fraud and, and...", he added before shaking violently and falling to the floor, screaming in what seemed to be a pain that elicited no sympathy from the mute Pakistanis who want nothing more than a roof over the head and clear, clean water.
As Chapman was escorted to his cell screaming "Julia! Julia!", a parole board member dressed as Paul McCartney was seen smiling at Yoko Ono, who very promptly readjusted her black pantsuit and oversized sunglasses before floating out of the prison.
The bewildered flood victims were then escorted by actor Jodie Foster to another wing to meet with John Hinckley Jr.