My favourite organ



With a huge Thank you to Jenn for sending this to me...

I really hope this isn't some covert marketing thing, because I love the Barry and desperately want him to be real.

And if you need more Barry, you can go here.

UPDATE: I went throught the website and unfortunately, he's not real. He's an alter-ego. Which makes him kind of real, when you think about it. Oh. My head hurts.

My favourite Senor Wences

Tony Curtis : 1925-2010

Although he will forever be associated with Some Like It Hot, I always thought that Tony Curtis' greatest role was in The Sweet Smell of Success. I'm glad this film has finally gotten the recognition it deserves. It was years ahead of its time with a cracking a script by Clifford Odets and Ernest Lehman and standout performances by Curtis and bad-ass motherfucker Burt Lancaster. Rent it, buy it, download it now.

I always knew Peanut Butter was up to something...

My favourite things that people carry in their pockets

I've always wanted to do this. Now I don't have to because some clever Australian has done it for me. Thank you Interwebs!

My favourite slogan from the Brazilian election campaign

"Know what a federal deputy does? Neither do I. But vote for me, and I'll let you know." - Brazilian comedian/candidate Tiririca

And while we're on the subject of teenaged Russian lesbians...



By the way, here's a nifty little trick: If you get advertisements on the youtubes, just click on your browser's refresh button. BAM! No ad!

God I love this song. Let's not read into that, ok? It's just a kick-ass pop song...

My other favourite Tattooed Lady

My favourite Tattooed Lady

My favourite documentary about people that have such deep-seated psychological problems that they should make you feel a whole lot better about your life

I'm not one for disclaimers, but... this is weird. No. This is really, really weird.




Is it just me or is someone who can say: "Yeah, I have anal sex with the miniature stallion. He penetrates me and it's... it's pleasurable but it's not really tense" just not right in the head?

Also - Where do these people live? So that I can NEVER EVER go there.

My current favourite comic book writer who is not Alan Moore

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

My favourite question about soap operas (plus: hornets!)


I don't get it.

For years, I have tried to understand the appeal of daytime soaps but I just can't wrap my head around it.

When I was a kid, I would come home from school or from delivering papers (by the way, you'll have to remind you to tell you about my stint as the oldest Paperboy in Australia sometime...) to find my older brother on the couch, completely wrapped up in General Hospital. This may not seem particularly odd, but my brother was the tough, hockey-playing, get kicked out of school for the day type. I always found it odd that he would willingly immerse himself in a world of overwrought, contrived emotion, day after day. I imagine this is the reason I've always been fascinated by what soaps have to offer. So thanks for that, big brother o' mine...

The writing is generally atrocious. The acting is forced and weepy. The storylines are... well, you know... soapy. Why do people get hooked on this kind of stuff? With the exception of Passions, which had its tongue firmly planted in cheek and was a lot of fun because of it, these shows are just unwatchable. It seems to me that voluntary suspension of disbelief can only go so far, and the people responsible for this stuff cross that line regularly.

Is there something I'm missing?

Because I just don't get it...

I was planning on going into quite a bit of detail here, but I just looked at the time and I have to run to class. We're translating a scientific text on hornets. I didn't like hornets much before. Now that I've read about them in great detail, I'm scared. Terrified, even.

Did you know that a hornet can sting you up to ten times before it dies (unlike bees who have a weird death-wish that causes them to leave half their body in your flesh with their stinger) or that a dying hornet sends out a pheremone-like distress call to its buddies so that they can come and attack you?

Now you do. Sleep tight.

My favourite monkey security-related news story

NEW DELHI (AFP) - Delhi authorities are to deploy a contingent of langurs -- a large type of monkey -- at Commonwealth Games venues to help chase away smaller simians from the sporting extravaganza.



more...

Sheikh, Rattle and Roll


You want courage? Consider yourself served...

And now, a public service announcement for Mr. David Lynch...

My favourite weird hobby that I didn't know existed until about 2 minutes ago

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present... The Association of Rogue Taxidermists!



I don't know much about Minnesota, but everything I hear makes it sound like a very strange place indeed...

My favourite Juan for the books...

Juan-Liners
see more Failbook

My favourite freaky spider that lives in the hedge next door

My favourite journal entry from 1997 (found in a box in the basement)

"A little bit of paranoia never hurt anyone. It keeps you focused."

My favourite music video in which musicians pretend to be horses

Time waits for no man...

We regret to inform you that the blog you are trying to view has come down with a severe case of timeconstrictivitus. Symptoms include (but are not limited to) the following: waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, wondering if there is enough time, a compulsive need to look at clocks, worrying and an outbreak of jitters, fritters and bitters.
The blog has been told to chill the fuck out, do what needs to be done and come back as soon as all fires have been extinguished.
We thank you for your patience and urge you to come back soon.

Warm regards,
The Management

My favourite man called Bob

Limbless Frenchman bids to swim Channel

My favourite Louis C.K. bit about parenting

My favourite dumb criminals

Don't touch anything with your hands! Nothing!

My favourite female sexual arousal disorder

So faking it is actually good for women? Can I get an "Amen!" for science?

It's nice to know that all those years were not spent in vain.

My favourite space

So there is one question kids ask Nasa more than any other. Guess what it is...

My favourite snakes and scorpions and throwing stars, oh my!

A brief excerpt from Swordsman 2, the best crazy-ass Chinese martial arts film with shifting gender roles that you've never seen...

My favourite guy with balls the size of watermelons

My favourite random thought that popped into my mind on the metro this morning

Say what you will about The Beatles, at least they had the decency to stay broken up...

My favourite kid rockin' out to Beat It.

And now...

... an important message from the International Earth-Destruction Advisory Board.

Please remain calm and keep doin' that thang you do.

Regards,
j

My favourite way to start the afternoon









By the way, if you've never heard Bic Runga, you really should. Seriously.

I was in a record store in Seoul years ago and they were playing Beautiful Collision. I heard about 30 seconds of one song and went to the guy behind the counter. "What is this?", I asked, hopeful that his parents had forced him to take English classes at some point in his life.

He looked at me with blank Korean eyes.

I pointed to the ceiling, looking up to make sure he wouldn't think I was telling him the roof was falling before pointing to my ears. It's amazing how silly you can look whilst trying to ask such a simple question. He finally understood and said, "Bic Lunga".

"Bic Lunga?", I repeated.

 "No. Bic Lunga!", he said with great emphasis. I was about to give up when he handed me the CD (because this was when people still bought CDs) and repeated "Bic LUNGA".

"Ohhhhh...", said I finally understanding what had happened, "Bic Runga".

"Yes. Bic Lunga!", he concluded, proud of the fact that he had spoken English with a borderline-retarded foreigner.

I paid for the CD, went home and listened to it 30 times. In one day. I think I may even have cried. As you may have surmised, I do that quite a bit. Cry, that is. I do other things quite a bit too, but the crying tends to sneak up on me in increasingly insidious ways...

Sorry about the poor audio quality on Something Good. Blame the youtubes, not me...

My favourite financial news blooper

My favourite vasectomy

What is it with Fox News? Apart from the crazy right-wing factor, obviously...

My favourite feels like Wednesday moment...



Have you ever met and tried to have a conversation with a Nwes Anchor? It's quite difficult. I think I like this clip because it gives a quick idea at what many of them are actually like.

My favourite auditions

"For Shaolin monk, your kung-fu skills are pretty lousy..."

My favourite piece on the good ol' USA's most ridiculous policy

http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2010/09/americas-absurd-and-self-defeating-cuba-policy/62978/

Feliz cumpleaños, México!

My favourite political flip-flopping on gun-related issues

NDP MP Hughes to switch gun-registry vote.

My favourite miniature cow


(AP Photo/Paul Michael Hughes/Guinness World Records, Ho)
 Swallow, a 33 inch (from hind to foot) 11-year-old cow from Yorkshire , has been named the world's smallest by the Guinness World Records book.

My favourite Beautiful South song about a dreary English city

Love is a many splend... whoah!

My favourite graph with practical applications

via http://pleatedjeans.tumblr.com/

Antoine Dodson, meet Andy Rehfeldt and The Markness

Cornholers

What do you do when people start waking up to the fact that your crappy, potentially dangerous product is to be avoided?

You do this.

You go, Corn Refiners Association. You GO!

Let's hunt and kill the Cyrus family*

* With thanks to Sensei Bill Hicks


Seriously...

How does this happen? I thought Papa/Cousin Billy Ray was bad enough 15 odd years ago but now we also have to deal with the evil/borderline handicapped fruit of his loins?

Let's just be clear. I am not referring to the individuals here. Maybe they're nice people who enjoy nothing more than sitting out in the car resting on cinder blocks in the front yard and playing banjo.

I'm referring to what they represent in our cultural wastelandscape. Billy Ray Cyrus pretty much put the last nail in the coffin of country music when he released... that thing. You know the thing I'm referring to. I won't say it. I won't even put a link so you can listen to it. The less said about it the better. I hate to accord that inbred walking mullet so much historical importance, but there is fairly strong argument to be made that there is a line that was crossed in the early nineties, a line he will forever be associated with. As Hank Williams III says, "The country music I'm hearin' nowdays, it's a bunch of fucking shit to me."

So yeah. I thought THAT was bad.

But now we have this attention-starved, jizz-soaked nymphet who has become, for some godforsaken reason, a really twisted pop-culture icon. She's 17 and she has already been selling sex like an auto-tuned syphilitic whore for a few years now.  Is this what tween (btw... I also hate that term) girls are striving to be? Great. Let's just buy everyone some of these and let them run rampant through the blood-drenched streets. Let's also go knock on Britney Spears' door to thank her.

How have we let this happen? Are we so desperate for spectacle that we will turn to any poor confused adolescent and scream "DANCE YOU FUCKING MONKEY!" whislt throwing wads of cash at them?

Phew. I'm glad I got that out of my system. Back to our regularly scheduled programming...

My favourite grammatical errors in medical records

  • Patient suffers from headaches while menstruating on the top of her head.
  • Patient is a newborn infant delivered over an intact perineum which cried spontaneously.
  • History: Patient was shot in head with .32 caliber rifle. Chief complaint: Headache.
  • Patient referred to hospital for erosion of the cervix by a local medical doctor.
  • Dictated: "Patient had a Pap smear today." Transcribed: "Patient had a Pabst Beer today."
  • Patient referred to hospital by private physician with green stools.
  • This mother of a 2-year old desires a circumcision.
  • Patient has been married twice, but denies any other serious illnesses.
  • Patient is separated from his wife, and he is also allergic to Penicillin
  • She moves her bowels roughly, three times a day.
(From the medical records of a hospital: by Corey D. Fox, Ph.D.)

Having a bad day? Read this and be thankful...

My favourite clown who shoulda taken a left a Albuquerque

My favourite condom advertisement

Netan.yahoo!

I don't know what it is about Benjamin Netanyahu that makes me think he is the worst breed of politician. He seems untrustworthy, hell-bent on destruction and a little bit power hungry. Not a good combination in my books.
It looks like Benny's people may be trying to make him appear to be turning over a new leaf by using twitter and facebook to highlight the latest round of peace talks. Let's hope it's not the middle-east equivalent of Catfish...

The dangers of fessebook

Social networking claims another victim....

Token

DPY6AFKHC5PQ

Don't ask... I'm tired and need to rush and have no time to read instructions. So I hope this works...

The Kit Kat Kronikles

I have always been fascinated by the people who field comments for snack food. You know... The phone numbers and websites that say "Questions? Comments? Please call xxx-xxx). Well now that technology has advanced to a stage where we don't actually have to call 1-800 numbers and can simply fire off an e-mail with our questions and comments, I decided to take advantage of it. I just sent the following e-mail to the nice people at Kit Kat:


 
To whom it may concern,

I recently ended a 20 year relationship with a person who did not eat chocolate. The reasons behind this person's decision were less than noble, but being a sensitive man, I decided to join them out of a confused sense of love or solidarity. I would like to say that the chocolate factor did not contribute to the break-up but I would be lying. Anyway, that's not important.
The question I have is the following: Have the ingredients in Kit Kat bars changed at all during this period? I ask because I was standing in front of a vending machine today, and when I finally looked up without seeing this person's reflection, I saw the comforting red glow of a Kit Kat bar. I was extremely tempted to purchase one, but I was afraid. You see, when I was young I ate a LOT of Kit Kat bars. A lot. I think it may have even influenced my outgoing personality. But I was afraid that the years may have changed the chocolate deliciousness that I remeber so fondly from my youth.
I really don't want to waste $1 only to find that my memories will haunt me forever and that I will never again feel the warm, soft crunchiness of your product. So It would be greatly appreciated if you can confirm that your secret recipe (is it a secret? I imagine it must be otherwise people would make their own) has stood the test of time.
Kind regards,
Judes Dickey

To be continued?

Common sense 1 - Science 0

From New Scientist #27777 - Sept.8th, 2010

"THE Irish are genetically distinct from other Europeans – including their British neighbours. That's according to the first genome of an Irish person to be sequenced, which turns out to have a host of unusual genetic variations.

Brendan Loftus of University College Dublin, who led the team responsible, says the unnamed Irishman – whom a genotyping study had already shown to be representative of Ireland – possessed 400,000 novel mutations of single DNA bases. Nearly 8000 of these appear to be inherited along with genes known to influence disorders such as inflammatory bowel disease and liver disease, so the newly discovered mutations may help shed light on the genetic basis of these conditions.

As an outlying island, Ireland should hold some genetic surprises, Loftus says. Indeed, the genome was so distinctive it shows that "the Irish genome inhabits a hitherto unsampled region in European genome variation", he adds."

Well, duh...

My favourite trailer

Well it's about fucking time...

Actual footage from season 2 of Eastbound and Down.

Tennis giggles

I don't know anything about these two, but this makes me laugh...

Irony at work

My favourite news story of the last couple of years?

Why, the shocker, of course!

The interwebs vs the printing press

I have been saying that youtube is the most important invention since the printing press for years. But do I get a TEDtalk? No sir, no I do not...

Oh shit...

Australian scientists find bats have regional accents.

What's next? Dolphins with opposable thumbs?

Dude, you have no Qur'an

This guy may just have become the world's gnarliest radical dude...


My favourite obsession that I am thankful I do not share, but am nonetheless impressed with

The Klingon Terran Research Ensemble, yes... you read that correctly... the Klingon Terran Research Ensemble premiered "u", a Klingon opera in The Hague the other night. I'm going to let that sink in for a while.
I have nothing against Trekkies. I actually generally like them and have myself seen every episode of the original series, TNG and DS9 as well as all of the movies (I actually cried at the end of the opening sequence in the most recent Abrams version, but that's a story for another day). I am however, a bit terrified of the depths of obsession that it brings out in people. It speaks volumes about how our brains are wired and the connections that some people need to make, neurogically and socially. Why does someone need to know the blueprints of a fictional spaceship? It's an interesting line...


My favourite webcomic

Gisèle Lagacé is an Ottawa-based writer/artist doing some great webcomics. Ménage à 3 started in 2008 and it is fantastic. Sometimes dirty, sometimes sexy and always fun. Lagacé's art stands somewhere between Archie and Manga and her writing is usually pretty whip-smart.












This was the first strip and it's all downhill from here.
Enjoy!

My favourite imaginary response to people who write letters to complain about what they are watching on TV

Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you for your comments regarding our telecast of the film The Departed last Saturday. Without attentive viewers like you, we could certainly not achieve the excellence in broadcasting that entertains the dribbling masses who can barely get out of their sofas to go to the bathroom.

Regarding your comments, we were extremely disheartened to learn that the employee who screened this film edited out several key scenes which, as you so eloquently put it, "ruined the ending of the film". We would like to inform you that he has been severely reprimanded for having cut out the 10 seconds in which Matt Damon's  character walked up a flight of stairs before knocking on a door. After having watched said scene, we completely agree that the loss of such an emotionally-charged moment so early  in the film altered the narrative in such a way as to render it completely unintelligible and made the rest of the movie pretty much unwatchable. As this was the longest sequence cut from the film, we hope that the other "scenes" which were edited (including 2 seconds of black and 8 frames which concluded an audio fade) were less jarring to your extremely delicate sensibilities.

You are evidently an intelligent person with a lot of time your hands and we find it of the upmost importance to compensate such dedicated viewers, so we would like to offer you the following:

- Perhaps you should stop watching so much television. This would undoubtedly reduce the stress in your life and could lead to more productive pursuits, like playing Scrabble or even reading a book. You do know what a book is, don't you?
- Get laid. Someone as charming and pleasant as yourself should have no difficulty finding a potential mate that would love to be criticised for their performance in bed. It would give you a chance to complain about foreplay (or the lack thereof), the scenes in your demented role-playing fantasy that you missed because you were unconscious with a plastic bag over your sweat-stained face or the safe word that you feel must be changed every ten minutes.
-Use you computer to do something other than writing complaints to faceless corporations. There is now a vast array of websites with cute kitty pictures that you would most certainly enjoy. If that doesn't quite do it for you, we would like to direct your attention to 2 girls, one cup. Something tells us it would be right up your alley.

Once again, thank you for your time, your comments and your continued dedication. You are shining beacon of hope for the white trash that poisons our society with useless bellyaching about trivial matters that you clearly cannot understand.

Sincerely,
j

The name, again...

Ok. That's it.
The clouds have parted. Shimmering rays of light stream through the menacing gray.
The internet gods are nodding their approval. All is right in the world.

The official name of this blark is now THE UNIQUE RABBIT HOLE.

I can't tell you how happy I am.
Well I can. But I won't...

I'll show you instead.



I do believe that this is what the C+C Music Factory was referring to.

Beer: Your one true friend part II

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/reuters/100910/odds/odd_us_germany_pub_odd

Beer: Your one true friend

It is a little known fact that beer can you make you incredibly agile and improves your coordination a hundredfold. I know this through personal experience. I also know that you don't believe me, so I have found the following video from the the good people at the Keith's Scientific Research for Science Facility. It determines, by using the most rigorous scientific methods, that people who drink beer are young, attractive and extremely adept at integrating into their physical environment.

Template

I was playing around with the html on the template I was using and managed to fuck it up royally. I now find myself forced to use one of the the blogger templates as I really just want to go to bed.

Good night John-boy... Sweet dreams...

can anyone explain this to me? please?

whoah!

I never tire of these. Stare at the cross for 30 seconds then look at a wall.

http://www.smashinglists.com/10-amazing-tricks-to-play-with-your-brain/

my favourite cute kid who happens to be stuck behind a couch

the impossible quiz

This is your brain.
This is your brain on drugs.

put that in your pipe

Photographer Mehmet Ozgur has spent years amassing still photographs of different smoke formations. The compositions are then formed by meticulously layering two or more of these pictures on top of each other. Turkish-born Mehmet's passion for photography began in 1989, with a film camera. He soon became interested in special effects photography and the technical aspects of image making. He says "I am not aware of anybody else making compositions from smoke patterns similar to mine. My inspiration has been to make something completely different than what the camera captures".He continues "Smoke is difficult to control, but it gives so much compositional freedom". Some of his audience have been critical of the work, which they believe condones the deadly habit of smoking. But the shapes are created using incense sticks and liquid nitrogen, not cigarettes. - Telegraph.co.uk

my favourite homeless guy

There's a homeless punk guy who has set up shop on Ste-Catherine street, just around the corner from my office. I've seen him twice now and each time he has a new cardboard sign that he plunks down beside his dog (who doesn't seem to move around very much, now that I think about it). The first one said "SPARE CHANGE FOR PENIS ENLARGEMENT - I'M A LITTLE SHORT" and the next one was "BET YOU $1 THAT YOU READ THIS SIGN AND LAUGH".

I haven't had any change when I've seen him, which is a shame because the man clearly deserves encouragement. I thereby here do solemnly swear that the next time I see him, I will give him 2 dollars and possibly take his picture when he changes his sign. Which means I also have to start carrying my camera at all times, which I should probably do anyway.

More on this story as it develops.

Name

I discovered another blog on blogspot called no one cares about this blog so I decided to change the name to what you see above.
In case you were wondering...

I discovered this as I was looking for ways to get more traffic because I am a sad, scared insecure little man who happens to have a cock the size of a baby's arm. Or do I?

The point is I wonder if anyone can give me some ideas about how I could make this blark more visible. You now, so that more people can see things like this.

this really makes you wonder who is using the internet

This is just a guess, but I imagine if you grow your hair quickly enough and make one breast bigger, he will love you and give you his money.

Oh yeah!



Things I would like to understand

Why do little salt packets contain a metric ton of salt while the pepper ones are almost empty?

My kind of work

My favourite conspiracy

I was having a conversation about Santa Claus with the always lovely Mylène Chollet and for some odd reason, The Philadelphia Experiment came up. I was shocked to learn that she had never heard of this chapter in history (okay, I'll be professional and say this alleged chapter in history) which I have been obsessed about for many, many years. I then thought that there may be some other souls that need enlightening, so I found this on the wikipedias:

The experiment was allegedly based on an aspect of the unified field theory, a term coined by Albert Einstein. The Unified Field Theory aims to describe mathematically and physically the interrelated nature of the forces that comprise electromagnetic radiation and gravity, although to date, no single theory has successfully expressed these relationships in viable mathematical or physical terms.
According to the accounts, it was believed that some version of this Unified Field Theory would enable the Navy to use large electrical generators to bend light around an object so that it became essentially invisible. The Navy would have regarded this as being of obvious military value, and according to the accounts, subsequently it sponsored the experiment.

Another version of the story proposes that researchers were preparing magnetic and gravitational measurements of the seafloor to detect anomalies, supposedly based on Einstein's attempts to understand gravity. In this version there were also related secret experiments in Nazi Germany to find antigravity, allegedly led by SS-Obergruppenführer Hans Kammler.

 
In most accounts of the experiment, the destroyer escort USS Eldridge was fitted with the required equipment at the Philadelphia Naval Yard. Testing began in the summer of 1943, and it was supposedly successful to a limited degree. One test, on July 22, 1943, resulted in the Eldridge being rendered almost completely invisible, with some witnesses reporting a "greenish fog" appearing in its place. However, crew members supposedly complained of severe nausea afterwards. Also, it is said that when the ship reappeared, some sailors were embedded in the metal structures of the ship, including one sailor who ended up on a deck level below that where he began, and had his hand embedded in the steel hull of the ship.[5] At that point, it is said that the experiment was altered at the request of the Navy, with the new objective being solely to render the Eldridge invisible to radar. None of these allegations have been independently substantiated to any satisfactory degree.

The conjecture then alleges that the equipment was not properly re-calibrated, but in spite of this, the experiment was repeated on October 28, 1943. This time, the Eldridge not only became invisible, but she physically vanished from the area in a flash of blue light and teleported to Norfolk, Virginia, over 200 miles away. It is claimed that the Eldridge sat for some time in full view of men aboard the ship SS Andrew Furuseth, whereupon the Eldridge vanished from their sight, and then reappeared in Philadelphia at the site it had originally occupied. It was also said that the warship travelled back in time for about 10 seconds.


Many versions of the tale include descriptions of serious side effects for the crew. Some crew members were said to have been physically fused to bulkheads, while others suffered from mental disorders, and still others supposedly simply vanished. It is also claimed that the ship's crew may have been subjected to brainwashing, in order to maintain the secrecy of the experiment.

(More? Yes please...)

And then I read this. Now before some Trekkie gets his Captain Kirk knickers in a twist, I know that tractor beams and teleportation are not the same. Calm down and think of Uhura. The rest should come naturally.
 
Live long and prosper, motherfuckers!

Meanwhile, on Sybestria 9...

wtf-pics-galactic-mugging
see more WTF Pictures and WTF videos by Picture Is Unrelated

my favourite local australian tv advertisements

Burtonesque

TiM from Ken Turner on Vimeo.

Dropping science like Galileo dropped the orange

http://mapperz.blogspot.com/2010/09/50-best-blogs-for-geography-geeks.html

My favourite Marx Brothers

I dare you. I challenge you. I skoodlemadoodle you to find anything funnier than the Marx Brothers. It is simply amazing how their routines consistently improve with time and repeated viewings. It is a well-known fact that I will watch Duck Soup anywhere, anytime, anyplace and laugh like a 6 year-old autistic child on acid. I saw it when I was a kid and that was it. I was done. I like to think (perhaps it's more precise to say that I have delusional fantasies)that Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Zeppo have had a large role in making me the person I am today. In any case, they are definitely the reason that the word peanuts makes me laugh.

The combination of slapstick, wordplay, physical comedy and double-entendre has never been, and likely never will be, surpassed.

So for your viewing pleasure...

My favourite new tech term that I just invented a minute ago

I've decided that I don't like the word blog. It's just so... bloggy.

Now if you consider the fact that this here blog is a mixture of inane comments by a slightly misguided soul and various shit that said misguided soul has found on the interwebs (referred to "archiving" in some circles), it is perfectly logical and acceptable that the aforementioned mixture should be referred to as something else. A blarch or to be very 21st century about it, a blark. So that's what I'm doing. I'm blarking. Won't you come blark with me?

Pat Morita drives a Dodge Caravan

I thought Pat Morita was dead. I imagine you did too.
But I'm here to set the record straight. He's not. He's living in Montreal and driving a mini-van. He looked confused. Lost, even. I should have given him directions, but I learned my lesson about messing around with undead Karate masters a long time ago.

Kenny Fucking Powers

Uh-oh, it's magic.

I knew it!

My favourite Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant



Want more? Sure you do...

My favourite urinal

Looks like the lamp from  A Christmas Story has fallen on hard times...
wtf photos videos - Not Sure I Like What This Implies
see more WTF Pictures and WTF videos by Picture Is Unrelated

My favourite instruction manual

News of the world

VIOLENT CFL PLAYER NEARLY STABBED OUTSIDE KORANS
(Montreal) Montreal Alouettes quarterback Charles Levy was admitted to the Montreal Jewish Hospital early this morning after a violent attack outside a popular Islamic bar.
Levy, who was recently released from anger-management rehab after an incident in which he kicked a 5 year-old fan in the head, was suffering from lacerations, a mild concussion and deep-seeded animosity related to his lack of parental attention.
"I thought those fucking towelheads weren't allowed to drink!", said a woozy Levy through clenched teeth as a vein throbbed on his left temple. "I went in there thinking I could kick some ass and pick up some hot Jihad ass and the next thing I know I'm surrounded by six guys with a broken Jagermesiter bottle who are screaming some guttural shit at me. Next time, I'm gonna get biblical on their ass", he added as his agent quickly ushered him into a black SUV.
Ahmad Nehimi, a patron at Korans offered the following account:
"I'm not sure what this man is talking about. All of the people in the bar were sitting quietly, smoking the shisha when this giant red and blue flash streaked across the bar screaming at everyone about his golden arm and the will of God. We were all astounded when he picked up a knife and began to cut himself while singing Alphaville's "Forever Young" with tears in his eyes. It was very bizarre, but I can ssure you that nobody even spoke to the man".

A press conference is expected at Molson Stadium this afternoon. Sources say that Levy is expected to return to rehab to amuse others as he continues his descent into drug-addled psychotic paranoia.


JOHN LENNON'S KILLER MEETS WITH PAKISTANI FLOOD VICTIMS
(New York) Mark David Chapman, clearly trying to impress a Sgt. Pepper-themed Parole Board, made a final plea for his release by inviting recently displaced victims of the floods in Pakistan to hear his side of the story.
Chapman, dressed in jeans and an "Imagine" t-shirt, spoke with the group of hungry, confused villagers for several hours as a stunned gallery observed the proceedings. He spoke of the regret he felt, the error of his ways and of the effects of Global Warming as the bewildered homeless people stared at the walls and floors, wondering why they had been brought to a prison when all they really wanted was some food and water. Especially water.
"If only I hadn't done what I did", said Chapman with tears in his eyes,"You people. You noble brown people, might  have a home that hasn't been submerged in a violent watery onslaught". "I now see that Lennon wasn't a sell-out, and a liar, and a fraud and, and...", he added before shaking violently and falling to the floor, screaming in what seemed to be a pain that elicited no sympathy from the mute Pakistanis who want nothing more than a roof over the head and clear, clean water.
As Chapman was escorted to his cell screaming "Julia! Julia!", a parole board member dressed as Paul McCartney was seen smiling at Yoko Ono, who very promptly readjusted her black pantsuit and oversized sunglasses before floating out of the prison.
The bewildered flood victims were then escorted by actor Jodie Foster to another wing to meet with John Hinckley Jr.

Have you ever been to sea, Billy?

A few years ago, I went on cruise ship. I still have nightmares about it.

We managed to piss off a lot of people as we just showed up at the dock and said, "Can we come on your boat?" before being charged half the price that people who had been planning this trip for years paid.

It was, hands down, one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had. If you want to witness the decline of western civilization first-hand, go on a cruise. Truly terrifying stuff. The one saving grace on this particular excursion was the fact that we ended up on the same ship as an Orthodox Jewish travel group. Koshermerica. I kid you not. You haven't truly lived until you sit next to middle-aged women sunbathing in their Orthodox regalia. Or gambled with the men at the garish boat casino.

I'm just glad that the following never happened to us. Ot at least that there was no CCTV footage of it on the internet.

Your day is about to get more important.

Drugs is good

Potheads make me laugh. They also make me wish I smoked more pot.

And while we're talking about drugs...

Actually, this has nothing to do with drugs. I Just felt like listening to that song. Catchy, isn't it?

We (my better half who wants to be mentioned here as little as possible and I) started watching Fringe last night. I was pleasantly surprised by the pilot. I was expecting a second rate X-Files from what I'd head about the premise but it seems like it has a lot of potential. That J.J. Abrams is a bit of a cunt, isn't he? Not only does he a have that elusive golden touch (so far), but he always seems to be involved in projects that are downright addictive. I'm not sure Fringe has that quality but I really, really feel the urge to go watch an episode right now.

I think I'm going to go watch an episode right now. Hopefully this one won't keep the aforementioned better half awake tonight wondering if the tree creaking outside isn't really some sort of undead government agent.

So maybe this little story was about drugs after all...

News of the world

I have decided on a title for the Yahoo news mashup. And that's what it is.  Right there. Look up! No... up! On a side note, I wonder if I will get more traffic now that I have added a photo of a nice rack. Isn't that how the internet works?

EARL FIZZLES AS NEW ZEALAND DRIVER CHARGED WITH KILLING KANYE WEST

GUARD LEAVES ADULT SERVICES SECTION TO REUNITE WITH EX BRITISH-PM

BOOK DIES AFTER CAR ACCIDENT

As this is a work in progress, I think I will write articles to accompany these headlines. I really quite like them and would like to know more.

See? I told you so...

My least favourite word

Why is that some words, for no apparent reason, just get under my skin? You know the ones I'm talking about. You hear other people using them in everyday conversation, and for no legitimate reason, you just cringe - physically and emotionally. I've encountered a few of these words over the years (which doesn't say much about how I spend my time)... Words like "moist" "soluble" and"spacious". But one of them sticks out.

Panties.

I fucking hate it. Not only is the word bad in and of itself but the fact that it so often used with a sexual connotation just makes it unbearable.

"What colour are your panties?" Brown, because I just shat myself as I heard you say that word.
"Are you wearing any panties?" I was, but I just took them off to strangle you. Do you like the brand new shit-smell you panty-loving motherfucker?

I was teaching in Korea a few years ago and the kids had never been introduced to proper words like underwear, knickers, hell... I'll even take skivvies. They always used the same word to refer to undergarments. Yes. Panties. Living in Korea was bad enough, but having to hear a bunch of fucking kids repeat panties over and over? Man... It's no surprise I killed a woman and left her body in a Kimchi vat on the side of the highway.

So please... Don't tell me about Panties.

It really pisses me off.

Mrs. Newara, meet Mr.Noreault


see more Failbook

Maybe someone can give her a real gun next time? Just to see what happens...

NORTH EAST, Pa. – Police said an Erie-area woman somehow managed to zap both herself and her brother with a stun gun during a drunken dispute. Darlene Newara, 45, will have a hearing Oct. 18 on charges including driving under the influence, disorderly conduct for fighting, and public drunkenness in the Aug. 8 incident.

State police said they responded to a disturbance outside an Erie-area store about 6 p.m. to find that Newara had been arguing with her brother and stunned him with the device, then accidentally shocked herself with it.

Police said she was intoxicated and had several unopened bottles of liquor in the vehicle with her three sons, who were not hurt.

The Associated Press could not immediately locate a listed phone for Newara.

Information from: Erie Times-News, http://www.goerie.com

Ape-related thing of the day

Parenting, and the lack thereof

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
It's amazing that "not giving a shit" and "lenient" are basically becoming interchangeable. There is a very scary generation of king-children that is being bred right now. What I find terrifying is that this child-centric attitude is becoming appealing because it's very quickly becoming the norm. God knows it's hard enough to be a consistent, firm (without being autocratic)and laid-back parent, but we are now faced with a barrage of literature and products (hey... they need to make a buck too!) that are making it even harder to raise independent, responsible kids.

I don't know where that came from, but I'm sure it will come up again. Hopefully in a more focused manner. But right now, Jeannie calls.

Computers, taxis? Same thing...

You have to give this guy credit. He knows how to roll with the punches. I wish he was Irish though, he probably would have talked shit for an hour...

No wonder they end up committing suicide

Dentists are sad, desperate people. With nice teeth.

Yahoo news mashup

I have been told by the powers that be that I have to take lunch breaks at work. Apparently, I cannot "concentrate" as well in the afternoon if I don't leave my office to listen to the inane chatter in the cafeteria (I'm sorry, I don't care about your ex-husband the asshole or how wonderful Celine Dion's hair looks) or to see the strung out rent boys and squeegee punks down the street. The fact that I have to watch 6 episodes of I Dream of Jinny in a row has nothing to do with my mid-afternoon intellectual meltdown, as far as they're concerned.
I have therefore decided to amuse myself. Here's what we do. Go to Yahoo and take one or two words from each news headline to make up new and improved stories.

So... Today's Yahoo headlines:

Man arrested as Hurricane Earl pelts Guns N' Roses Psychiatrist.
Hair Police yukking it up with adult-film star.
Grieving man drives wrong way on highway over dead cat.

Actually, that last one was the actual headline. I thought it was perfect just the way it was.

Stay golden, pony children.

I'll be back in a few minutes. Right after I cry.

Rachel's Birthday Video from Kristian Anderson on Vimeo.

Am I happy? Or am I terrified?

Neil Gaiman's Sandman being developed for the little black box that tells me to buy things...

This is the first time I've heard of the Jagging off...

I want to commit a crime in front of this woman, just to hear her eyewitness account.

The first of a thousand... somethings

I'm blogging. Holy shit. I'm blogging.
The wind is whistling in my ears. Objects in the distance grow in front of my eyes, only to be replaced by other objects that look like ants. But without the legs. Or the head. Or any other ant-like features.
I'm blogging. Is that the term the kids are using these days? It feels so... so... manly. I'm like King Kong. But without the King. Or the Kong. Or any other giant ape-like features.
To be fair, I have been blogging since I was a child. But back then we called it "Writing things on public bathroom walls". And boy, I was the king of the bwalllog. I could write Tracey McIver's phone number in the time it took to most people to do up their fly.
So I'm blogging.
"Why are you blogging?", you may ask yourself. Actually, you probably aren't asking yourself that. Because you're here. With me. You make me feel all warm and gooey inside. Just like Tracey McIver. Even if you aren't asking yourself why, I'm going to tell you.
Because I can.
And right now, that's reason enough.
If you come back, I'll tell you more. I swear. I'll show you things you never dared imagine. I'll teach you things I learned in a Buddhist monastery on the banks of the the River Jordan. I'll be here. With you. And a good time shall be had by all.
And if there are no good times, at least there will be things like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RRSunpMZ94
So welcome. Welcome to Blogasy Island.
Take my hand. Everything will be okay. You're safe now.

Ok. I'm kidding. I only started a blog so I could use the word blogging over and over again. So there.